People say I have a good attitude about this leukemia thing. I try too. And most of the time I succeed. But, to be honest, down deep inside there is more going on than I show the world. I’m guessing this is true for most of my fellow CLL’ers.

It’s not so much fear, though that is one of the tricks in Leuk’s bag. It’s more a feeling of being out of control.

Leuk has suddenly jumped into my life. There is no way to understand why it happened. He just showed up uninvited. If I had a broken leg, I would know the cause, could blame myself for being careless, bind the leg, and let it mend.

But there is no magic pill to mend my blood. I often speak in this blog of beating Leuk and I truly believe that is possible. Beating him, though, means putting him to sleep. It’s called remission. For many that remission sticks. Leuk doesn’t wake up and they live a long life. But, even so, he is still there, asleep, dreaming of the fight he had with them.

So, when we are in remission and feeling well, there is one last battle to fight.

It is important to realize that remission gives us our life back. Leuk no longer has control over us. No control, that is, except our own worry and fear.

I hope, and honestly believe, that I will beat Leuk and shove him into remission. And I have another hope: when that day of freedom comes I hope I will not focus on the sleeping giant, but instead on the gift I’ve been given. A gift free of worry. The gift of peace.

The gift of Life.

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