Pun-gasms

Red Skelton, a famous comedian, once said, “Don’t take life too seriously, because you never get out of it alive.”

I think we need laughter, especially when we are sick. My philosophy is: cry a little, laugh a lot.

So here is a growing list of Puns and Jokes to lighten your day (a few are a little off-color so if you are reading this to your child, you may want to pick and choose):

I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!

Sex on TV can’t hurt unless you fall off.

In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

Love is like a machine… sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

I swear to drunk I’m not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don’t do vegetables.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.

I must be good looking because when I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means!? It’s not the end of the world!

I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but then I turned myself around.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and I can’t put it down.

We don’t have to fear dying because I hear that Steve Jobs is handing out iHarps.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

A Swedish Pun: Ya sure, Sven and Verti had a real dizzy fight, ya know. And, by golly, Sven got so mad he told vertigo.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

News Flash… Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

How did the chemist hurt herself? She let the Bunsen Burner.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

When Chemists die, they barium.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightblulb?
LET’S GO RIDE BIKES!!!

Two cows are grazing in the field.
One turns to the other and asks, “So what do you think about this mad cow disease?”
And the other responds, “What do I care, I’m a helicopter!”

Dyslexics are teople poo.

How do you give a redneck a circumcision?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not yelling and screaming like everyone else in his car.

Two atoms are walking down the street, one says to the other “I think I just lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”

What is the cheapest kind of meat? Deer Balls. You get them under a buck.

Two bars walk into a man; LSD is powerful stuff.

There are two muffins in an oven. First muffin says to the second muffin, “Man, it’s hot in here”. The second muffin replies “HOLY CRAP! A TALKING MUFFIN”!

A termite walks into a bar and says, “Hey, is the bar tender here?”

A guy wearing only saran wrap underwear walks into a psychiatrists office. The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?”

Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

What’s E.T. short for? He’s got little legs.

I’ve just written a song about tortillas. Actually, it’s more of a rap.

What did the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

Why are NYers so depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is just New Jersey.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

Somebody stole my mood ring and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.

What’s the difference between a Scotsman and a canoe?  The canoe tips.

How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler…

Nurse: “Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.”

The stationary store moved.

Have you heard about the corduroy pillow? I hear it’s making headlines.

Did you hear about the psychic midget that robbed a bank? Now there’s a small medium at large.