How do you feel?
Family and friends often ask me the question, “how do you feel?”
It’s the same question I ask people who have health issues. And I get the same response I give: “I’m fine.”
The truth is, I am fine. I’m beginning to get more tired than before Leuk came aboard. And I can’t seem to put in a full day’s work. (I’m only working a part-time business.) But I mostly feel okay.
There are two reasons for my “I’m fine” response. First, I don’t want to be one of those people who go on and on about their condition. Second, I’m not really sure how to put into words how I feel.
The physical symptoms are easily explained and, for now at least, they are easily dealt with.[[Okay, so I ended that sentence with a preposition… big deal. It’s my blog and who cares… plus – technically it’s not really a grammar rule.]]
How I feel in my head is harder to put into words.
Try as he might, Leuk doesn’t scare me. Well, maybe sometimes. But mostly he has become a part of my life. I hate him. I wish he had past my doorpost. But he is here and I have to deal with him. Needless to say, it’s a triffle bit more than dealing with the common cold.[[“Needless to say” is a strange phrase, isn’t it? If it really is needless to say then why am I saying it?… Things that make you go hmmmm.]]
Anywho, in my head I sometimes feel frustrated that, because of Leuk, my life is different than others. Sometimes I feel dull – not sharp (that’s one of those hard-to-explain feelings). Sometimes I worry about the future – how will it affect my creativity, my work, my marriage. Sometimes I struggle with my spirituality.
You probably noticed a lot of “sometimes” in that paragraph. That’s because those thoughts never stick around for long. Most of the time I am going on with my life as if I don’t have leukemia. I feel Leuk physically. I know he’s there. But I roll on with the blind optimism expressed by Paul Simon: “And so I continue to continue to pretend, my life will never end, and flowers never bend with the rainfall.“
Hey, why not? The alternative is to whine, whimper, and curl up in a corner. Or, be one of those irritating guests who go into long diatribes when asked “How do you feel?”
So, you ask, how do I feel?
I feel fine.