Family and friends often ask me the question, “how do you feel?”

It’s the same question I ask people who have health issues. And I get the same response I give: “I’m fine.”

The truth is, I am fine. I’m beginning to get more tired than before Leuk came aboard. And I can’t seem to put in a full day’s work. (I’m only working a part-time business.) But I mostly feel okay.

There are two reasons for my “I’m fine” response. First, I don’t want to be one of those people who go on and on about their condition. Second, I’m not really sure how to put into words how I feel.

The physical symptoms are easily explained and, for now at least, they are easily dealt with.

[[Okay, so I ended that sentence with a preposition… big deal. It’s my blog and who cares… plus – technically it’s not really a grammar rule.]]

How I feel in my head is harder to put into words.

Try as he might, Leuk doesn’t scare me. Well, maybe sometimes. But mostly he has become a part of my life. I hate him. I wish he had past my doorpost. But he is here and I have to deal with him. Needless to say, it’s a triffle bit more than dealing with the common cold.

[[“Needless to say” is a strange phrase, isn’t it? If it really is needless to say then why am I saying it?… Things that make you go hmmmm.]]

Anywho, in my head I sometimes feel frustrated that, because of Leuk, my life is different than others. Sometimes I feel dull – not sharp (that’s one of those hard-to-explain feelings). Sometimes I worry about the future – how will it affect my creativity, my work, my marriage. Sometimes I struggle with my spirituality.

You probably noticed a lot of “sometimes” in that paragraph. That’s because those thoughts never stick around for long. Most of the time I am going on with my life as if I don’t have leukemia. I feel Leuk physically. I know he’s there. But I roll on with the blind optimism expressed by Paul Simon: “And so I continue to continue to pretend, my life will never end, and flowers never bend with the rainfall.

Hey, why not? The alternative is to whine, whimper, and curl up in a corner. Or, be one of those irritating guests who go into long diatribes when asked “How do you feel?”

So, you ask, how do I feel?

I feel fine.

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2 thoughts on “How do you feel?

  1. It’s not all the leuk, Jim. You are getting old, just like the rest of us. We are all not sharp anymore and just plain tired. But you are looking good cuz. Remember it’s better to look good than to feel good. Nellie

    • You’re right, of course, but if I can blame it on Leuk then I don’t have to admit I’m getting older! I still have a 35 year old in my head and he refuses to give in.

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