When Leuk first arrived I had an oddly neutral reaction. My doctor told me I had CLL and my response was: “Well, the odds of getting it were slim, so I guess I beat the odds. Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket.”
Later, the anger came. Not just because of Leuk. It was a whole package of things. My dad had died of lung cancer. I was in debt. My mother died after a long stressful time of caring for her. We were living with my daughter and son-in-law so we could rent out our house to help pay bills.
I’d pretty much had it and I let God know it. I was mad. I decided I didn’t believe in Him and yet I swore and yelled at Him. I might have handled the leukemia without the anger, but the whole package was too much. I’d already had it with God because of the way my dad died; lung cancer is a hell of a way to go.
Although I continue to struggle with whether God is real or not, I still spell His name with capital letters; so, I guess I’m not completely lost!
I must admit, I’m still angry with Him though over the way He allowed my dad to die. But, except for an occasional WTF (this is a PG site, so that stands for “What The Fooey”) I’m strangely at peace with Leuk.
My biggest concern isn’t my possible early demise. I mostly worry I might leave my wife in debt. I have a plan to be out of debt soon. Maybe I’ll make time to freak out about Leuk when we are debt free.
For now I’m wrapped up in work and family. I have purpose. If you want a good read, pick up Viktor Frankl‘s book Man’s Search for Meaning. His main point is Man only survives hardship if he has a purpose for living. Having a reason, a purpose, gives me a sense of completeness. I know who I am and why I am.