I had my annual physical yesterday. Well, it has actually been 3 years so I guess its my tri-annual physical.

Anyway, my family physician gave me a good report. Good blood pressure, good cholesterol numbers, strong heart, and a ‘prostate the size of a teenagers’. His exploring to find that latter one out was a bit disconcerting.

So, I’m healthy as a horse. A horse, that is, who has leukemia and two other chronic health issues which will remain unnamed. Good thing I’m not a horse – they’d probably put me down!!

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I woke up with a deep thought, which is a big deal since the only thought I usually wake up with is ‘I want to go back to sleep.’

You can’t have an effect without an cause, right? Sometimes it’s a series of causes and effects to make the final effect happen. For example: a ball is thrown. Let’s look at it by working backwards to the original source:

Effect: ball thrown
Cause: muscles in arm, wrist, and fingers contract/expand to perform the task

Effect: muscles contract/expand as needed
Cause: brain sends signals to proper muscles

Effect: neurons send signals to each other across synapses in the brain to send the message to the muscles
Cause: you make the decision to throw the ball

Effect: you make the decision to throw the ball
Cause: ???

What cause precipitates the decision?

Science explains that everything we think and do is the result of something similar to an electrochemical event in our brains. These events are the cause of all the cascading events that follow it. But, there is no explanation of how the first event happens; what is the cause of our decision making?

How can our decisions, our poetry, our hopes and dreams, be purely the result of neurons chatting with each other? If that were so, our thoughts would be random, chaotic events with no particular purpose.

Or is there a primary cause?

Is it something outside of our brain? Is this first cause our soul? And if so, what is the cause of our soul’s decisions? Is it outside of us? Is it God?

Do the electrochemical events in my brain make my decisions? Or, do my decisions, coming from some other source, cause the electrochemical events?

I guess we’ll have to ask a chicken.

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I woke this morning with the thought: Life is Motion. Without motion, there is no life. We must keep moving, creating, loving, crying, laughing, growing… being.

Our thoughts control whether we move or not. We get depressed, we sit. Depression drains our energy. Elation energizes us.

Leuk is a depressor. He’s skilled at making us stop moving. Even at my stage without symptoms and without treatment, just the thought of having leukemia can be a downer. Sometimes he gets to me. But most of the time I can focus on my grandchildren, my adult children, my wife, and life.

If you are living with Leuk, try not to let him take over your thoughts. Keep moving. Keep life in mind, not death. Keep health in mind, not sickness. Keep family in mind, not loneliness.

Next week I get to take my grandkids to the waterslides. I almost decided not to do it. I almost chose to sit still. But leuk didn’t win. He seldom wins with me.

It will be a great day.

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I’ve been considering why it is I’m not more worried about my leukemia than I am. Sure, I wish Leuk had never walked through my door, but somehow he’s only in the back of my mind and not in front. He’s always there though. I guess I’m just not focusing on him.

There are others I know who are way worse off. One is near death right now with a huge inoperable tumor that keeps growing. She will be gone within weeks.

She’s one of the good ones. It makes you wonder why this is happening to her. Why people must suffer when they die. For that matter, why are so many taken so young?

We can understand the Who, What, When, and Where, but the Why is unanswerable. Science can find the cause… but that’s not the Why I’m talking about. It’s an answer only God has, and for now the Big Cheese isn’t talking.

So we wait, wonder why, and then continue with our lives. My friend will pass on, we will be sad, have a funeral for her, and then move on in blind imperviousness.

Like Paul Simon sings: “And so I continue to continue to pretend, my life will never end, and flowers never bend with the rainfall.”

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