I keep this blog as upbeat as possible. I don’t want it to be a downer – especially since I feel pretty good most of the time. But this is kind of a downer entry. It’s not meant to bum you out, I just need to write about it. Writing is a relief for me.
So, you might want to ignore this entry and go to one of my more humous, older ones that you haven’t read yet. Or just take a break and read tomorrows. I should be up by then.
I’m at Disneyland with my family. The grandkids are very excited. This morning we had breakfast at our hotel before heading out for a full day of fun. Then, at the breakfast table, the dizzies hit. Hit hard. I ate protein because that usually works. But that won’t help until this afternoon.
So I sent them off without me. I hope I’m not disappointing my grandchildren. Their mom, dad, and grandma are with them and Mickey Mouse and his gang, plus a bazillion rides; I’m sure they’ll have a great time.
I just wish I was normal. You know, normal in the healthy sense. It’s not Leuk – at least not for now. I probably won’t have any serious struggles with him for some time. It’s this damn dizziness. The doctors say it is unrelated to my leukemia. But they don’t know what’s causing it.
So far I’ve been looked at by my family doctor, a physical therapist, an ENT (ear, nose, and throat doctor), and a neurologist. A test was done where they hit my legs and feet with a series of low voltage zaps. It indicated that I might have a peripheral neuropathy. That means a few nerves down there are not up to par. But I don’t have most of the symptoms.
It’s hell feeling like an old man when you’re not really all that old. I just want to feel normal. Hell, even with the tiredness that Leuk gives me from time to time, I feel pretty good. I have lots of days where I feel lake a normal, albeit tired, person. But when this dizziness hits I, well, frankly it pisses me off.
Sorry for the pity party.
There’s something about writing. It’s like I’m sharing with a good friend. Even if no one is there. Even if I don’t publish it in my blog and just write for myself, it helps.
I’m sure I’ll be back tomorrow feeling much better. I’m going to try and get some extra sleep today. That usually helps.
Blah, blah, blah. Bitch, bitch bitch. I don’t like being a complainer. I don’t like being down and grumpy. I’d rather be my happier self. But today I’m just not up to it. I’m glad my personality is more up than down, otherwise this blog would be useless to those who need encouragement. But maybe it will help others know that it is okay to feel down sometimes.
I hope you don’t linger there, though. Please find a reason to stay up. Too many days like this will give Leuk a foot up in your thoughts.
It’s okay to have rough days – just try to not waste more of your time than necessary. After all, time is not something we have a lot of.
Godspeed to all of you.